On Being An Asshole

Written by the owner of Southern Maryland CrossFit.

(Article Source: http://crabcakesncrossfit.wordpress.com)

Apparently, some people do not like they way we run our box and our business.  We are too strict on the standards for the movements we teach and program.  We are too strict on the rules we have like arrive on time and clean up after yourself (aka put your shit away when you’re done).  We are too rude on the phone when people call us and give an open-ended statement like “So tell me about CrossFit.”  We are too rude to people when they walk up and interrupt our classes because they are bored with watching their kid do karate next door or bored while they are getting their car fixed across the way.  We are too strict on our hiring process because we expect our coaches to actually fucking teach, correct, and cue not just say “3-2-1-GO!” and look at their phone the whole rest of class.  So let me address these things.

I am an asshole.  And I am NOT sorry for it.  What I am sorry for is that you cannot take blunt truths and often get butt-hurt about them.  I am sorry that no one has ever told you what you need to do in such a regimented, matter of fact way.  Let me tell you though a little about why I am an asshole.

Everyone is a “fitness” expert

Forget the fact that most trainers and or coaches suck.  Why do people listen to any random fucker about what they need to do to get fit?  Stop taking their word as the gospel.  I make it a point to only listen to coaching cues/programming advice/fitness methodology from people who are stronger/fitter than me or have trained multiple people who are stronger/fitter than me.  I DO NOT LISTEN TO WHAT ANYONE ELSE HAS TO SAY.  It is that simple.  Everything else below that level is probably useless to me or to my athletes.

Let me give you an analogy.

I once hung a sheet of drywall.  I also once put down laminate flooring in a basement.  I have also seen an episode of Holmes on Homes.  Does that make me a contractor?  Fuck NO.  So why would I butt into conversations about remodeling homes and what grade of wiring is needed and which ducts should be used for a new HVAC unit?  Oh wait, I don’t.  I leave the real contractor work to contractors.  Now I may get different opinions from different contractors, but I always will listen to the contractor with the best track record OVER what your husband who put in a new shower head for you said and stay with that.

So why do people listen to “broscience” and dudes that are constantly on a “bulking cycle” but have never done a bodybuilding show say?  They are just fat dudes with big arms.  Now, I love our military and police.  They defend our freedom and have signed up to put their lives in harm’s way to keep us safe.  But why do people listen to them just because they made it through boot camp or an academy?  Just because they passed the basic physical requirement to be in the military or law enforcement does not mean they know anything about strength and conditioning.  They know more than me about shooting guns, clearing rooms, and taking out bad guys but I know more about how to prepare an athlete for the platform.

People are lazy

I loathe laziness.  Whether or not you believe in a higher power or not, the phrase “God helps those who help themselves.” has always stuck with me.  You have the right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.  Everything else has to be earned.  Not fucking given, but earned.

But people expect the world to be handed over to them because of some misplaced sense of self-entitlement.  Not in here.  If you do not want to work hard, there is the door.  You can leave.  Better yet, don’t even come in; because we do not want your lazy cancer spreading.

Being “fit” or “strong” is hard.  You have to earn every pound on the bar.  You have to earn every extra pullup.  You have to earn having a six-pack with nutrition.  Yes, there are genetic freaks for who it comes easier,  but at some point to get better EVERYONE must put in the work.

In the end, your excuse for why you cannot get “in-shape” is bullshit, you’re probably just lazy.

Everyone has an excuse

[Excuses see follow-on articles] Especially in the DMV, nothing is anyone’s fault, it is ALWAYS what someone else did to cause your own misfortune.  No one has any personal responsibility for anything.  Are you white and unhappy? It is most definitely the fault of black people and Obama.  Are you black and unhappy? It is most definitely the fault of white people and Bush.  Are you overweight and unhappy? It is clearly the fault of your genes; your environment and eating habits of the course of your life surely had nothing to do with it.  Did you have to “stop working out” because of some minor injury?  If only there were some examples of people who lost whole limb(s) and were still able to “get fit”.  Surely there are no examples of that anywhere. . . . . . . . .

People are prideful

I have never seen more adults who have health insurance and refuse to use it.  If something bothers you for more than two weeks, use your insurance.  Seriously, I have seen many overuse injuries, and we can work around a lot of things, but I am not a doctor.  Pointing to a general area and giving vague descriptions of the pain you feel is a headache for the dude that gets your $20 co-pay, not for me.

We love that you have faith in us to change or modify workouts for you.  But if we do not have an actual diagnosis, we cannot be sure that we are giving you the right modification or scale.  Plus why do come in day in and day out bitching about your wrist/shoulder/elbow/knee/hip/back instead of taking the 60-90 minutes you might be here and use that time to go to the doctor.  Maybe that pain would subside with some rest/ice/prescription anti-inflammatories.

Wait, so you had a bad experience with a doctor one time so you don’t like them anymore?  Weird.  I had a shitty girlfriend back in the day but I still wanted to get laid and fall in love after we broke up.  Just try a new doctor, maybe he can be the one.

Adults cannot follow instructions

I have a hard enough time getting MY athletes to follow and do what they are supposed to do.  It is hard enough getting people who PAY us and want to get better to follow thisbasic guide.  And this basic guide.  Now, add in regular human adults who are used to getting their ass kissed by every gym membership person ever and expect us to do the same.  I cannot tell you how many dumb ass emails and conversations I have on the phone every single day.

I could understand if we didn’t put almost everything we wanted you to know online.  Our schedule? You couldn’t find our class times hidden under the tab Frequently Asked Questions OR Getting Started?  Really? Did you even look?  Our membership prices? Again cleverly hidden under Frequently Asked Questions AND Payment!  How crafty of us!  Where are we located? Maybe check the tab Our Location.  Woah, now it’s just getting crazy!  Are you from out-of-town and want to drop in? Surely this is again hidden in the labyrinth that is our website.

I know, maybe it’s your first time on this crazy thing called the information superhighway, or in layman’s terms da interwebz.  Let me help you out.  If you are reading this, you are currently on the world wide web (www is short for this).  If there is something you can hover over with your mouse and it changes color it is called ahyperlink.  If you click on that with your mouse, it will take you to a place with more information about that subject.  Feel free to thank Al Gore for inventing this place.

Maybe you are old school.  Maybe you just drove up here.  I wish there were several signs up with information about our place.  Signs that said: Private Gym-No Soliciting-No Small Talk-No Gawking-No Excuses-Just Results; Box Closed Mon-Fri from 12pm-3pm-No Walk In Tours-No First Time Walk In Free Trails; Non-Members Must Use Office Door ONLY; a sign with the schedule of class times.  I wish we had signs like that up, and I wish they were in this thing called print.  Print is like cursive, but without all the squiggly lines.  Oh wait, we fucking do.

But I forgot that you are a beautiful and unique snowflake and none of this shit applies to you because you are special and can do what you want.  You are why I am a fucking asshole.

So, to wrap it all up.  I think it is dumb that some people make you take off your shoes when you come over to their house.  My shoes aren’t dirty.  Your floors are not that nice and/or your carpet isn’t that clean.  But guess what? If I go over there, I abide by the rules that person has in their own house.  Maybe if you did the same when you came here I wouldn’t be such an asshole.  And if you don’t like it? Well don’t come over.